A NOT-SO-MODEST PROPOSAL
War is sweet to those who never experienced it.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world’s problems?
Calvin and Hobbes
A NOT-SO-MODEST PEACE PROPOSAL
War has been almost constant throughout human history. Since the beginning of time efforts at containing this horror have quite consistently failed. Over the centuries there have been hundreds of peace proposals all of which have collapsed in remarkably short time. This is primarily because most politicians and leaders remain convinced that war is a path to greater power, territory and wealth. Politicians, armament builders and their supporters have a great deal to gain from war. It was Republican President Eisenhower who warned us about the military industrial complex. Most peace proposals ignore that war is often in the self-interest of politicians and arms manufacturers.
As long as it is our blood, or children’s blood or grandchildren’s blood that is shed and not the politician’s there will never be peace.
This two-part proposal is guaranteed to address that inequity and is the only one which has any hope of lasting effectiveness. And the likelihood of it ever being adopted is zero percent.
BE IT RESOLVED THAT
- Any country attacking another country is required to have the top 5000 officials of their government and economy immediately enlist in the infantry. This shall mean units carrying the contemporary equivalent of the M-1 riffle which was used by infantry in the Viet Nam War. The only weapons to be used are those which can be carried by individual soldiers.
- In the United States this involves the president, vice president, the cabinet, Senate, House of Representatives, 500 employees of the Pentagon, State Department and Justice Department. All employees of the White House are also enlisted.
- No official is exempt. If you are old enough and healthy enough to vote for war or work for a war proclaiming administration, you are old and well enough to fight.
- Also, you are not exempt because you served previously. Your experience and talent will be needed.
- In addition, the CEOs, CFOs and Boards of Directors of every company fulfilling military armaments contracts will enlist.
- All of these people will be in the infantry on the front lines none are eligible for press core, air force or remote drone operation, or auxiliary services. Anyone refusing will be sentenced immediately to detainment at Gitmo base with other so-called war criminals. And they will be detained there as long as the Islamic prisoners are there.
- No rockets, missiles, airplanes or drones will be permitted in this war.
- Two armies of 5000 combatants for each country are the only soldiers involved. Each militia is required to engage in battle between the two countries. They will meet on an open plain or field to be determined by the United Nations. The armies will face each other for two days while peace negotiations are held. If those fail the battle must begin the next morning. The charge will be led by the highest ranking official of both countries. They cannot stay in the background. They may, however, paint their faces as did William Wallace in Braveheart.
- The battle will be over when one country has fewer than 1,000 combatants remaining, and the top ten officials of that government and half of the CEO/ billionaire class has been killed. No country can surrender until that status is achieved. If both countries have less than 1,000 combatants and no one surrenders the fighting continues until one unit achieves significant superiority as judged by a UN Peace keeping force.
BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED THAT
- This will be administered by the United Nations which shall immediately develop a list of the top 5000 persons from every country required to enlist. This list will be updated yearly.
- Any country refusing to participate will face extreme economic sanctions. All exports from that country will face a 50% tariff. In addition, all private citizen accounts in international banks will be frozen and 50% of the money in the account will be donated to activities that end poverty and ensure safe drinking water throughout the world. Besides the blood of politicians, the next most important thing motivating peace will become the money of the billionaire and trillionaire classes. Peace will not occur until politician’s blood is spilled and the monied class goes bankrupt. When war gains neither power, territory nor profit war will cease.
Part of the fun of this is to imagine the impact on our present government:
- President Donnie ‘Heel Spurs’ Trump leading the charge. Rest assured he would do more than wet his pants.
- When armies arrive Vice President Pence would be required to dig a fox hole and stay in it with an individual woman. Ah, the beauty of the image, Pence and Nancy Pelosi in it all together. Or, better yet, Ilhan Omar the Islamic congress woman who is from Minnesota who so many Republicans have attempted to bully.
- Mitch McConnell will be permitted to use a walker and given a head start on the charge.
- John Bolton, former national security advisor will also be drafted so he can serve as he has been so blithely willing to send others to serve. His main job will be to drag a metal cage (containing Betsy Devos) onto the battlefield.
- Former presidents will also be considered including George Bush for invading Iraq and Bill Clinton on general principles (or lack thereof). Neither Jimmy Carter nor Barack Obama will be required to enlist as reward for not starting any wars while president.
- In the next revision of these resolutions we will consider the option of any politician voting against the attack will be exempt. Voting for peace will be an exemption, the ONLY exemption, from serving in the battle.